As it has been said over and over
again, the concept of marriage cannot be over-emphasized. Marriage is a
life-long affair and it’s disheartening to know that many people spend YEARS
studying Cats and Lizards in the University, spend MONTHS preparing for wedding
and did not even take time out to prepare for marriage. In preparation for
marriage, there are books you need to read, effectual fervent prayers to pray,
lives you need to study and above all things you both need to talk about before
you say “I DO”! Communication is a very essential factor if there will be
understanding between 2 or more individuals.
Therefore in preparing for
marriage, here are a few things you need to talk about. If these things can be
TRUTHFULLY discussed, then the decision that follows will be in the best
interest of both parties. Let’s take a walk as we go through some of these
itineraries:
Ø Intelligence
Level: You will be discussing issues together in marriage so you both must
consider each other’s intelligence level. Communication cannot be effective if
the husband is talking in one direction
and the wife is talking in another direction. Intelligence level however
is not a function of academic qualification, but of attitude towards mental
development.
Ø Family
background: How will it affect your relationship? Family is something you both
cannot do without even in your relationship. Make necessary findings about each
other’s family background and trash out every necessary detail before
proceeding. No time for shock discoveries after wedding.
Ø Formal
Education: What is the height of Education attainable and obtainable. How
further do you wish to go. Let this issue be discussed before proceeding. No
time for strange ambitions later on in life. It may cause damage in the home.
Ø Verbal
Skills: How vocal is your spouse? Are you the talking type? Is your wife also
the talking type? No one wishes to talk to an image or deaf and dumb.
Communication is effective when both parties are deeply involved. Also when you
attend functions, if your partner is the talking type, be ready to also talk.
Desire for verbal intimacy – Women love to talk, can you comprehend such as a
man?
Ø Expected
Goals: What do you expect of her as the mother and father of your children. No
room for shockers in the future. What is the drive behind those goals of
his/hers. Let everything be clearly spelt out and accepted before consent is
given towards a future together. Values and Goals. Your controls. How best do
you control yourself?
Ø Submission
views: What are her views about being submissive? If she won’t allow you talk,
air your views, succumb in an argument, etc. Brother, take heed, it’s possible
she’s not the submissive type. Learn and make a decision if you are still
willing to go ahead.
Ø Number
of children: When married, how many children are you both willing to have? What
Family planning methods are you willing to adopt. Are you both willing to have
a child immediately after marriage. If not, what happens if she immediately
take-in after wedding.
Ø Child
rearing views: We were all brought up differently, so we all have different views
about Child up-bringing. Never assume that your ideas about the issue is the
same to avoid clashes in marriage. It won’t be nice if the husband is training
the child in a way and the wife is bringing-up the child in the other way,
you’ll be causing factions in the family.
Ø General
Views: What are your Mental, Psychological, Social and Emotional views of life.
How does life situations affect you both. There are people that can cry their
heart out just because there was earthquake in China, to avoid amusement during
marriage, discuss these things thoroughly.
Ø Sense
of Humor: What appears as a joke to you, does he/she see it as a joke too? Do
you have the same sense of humor or you both don’t even have a sense of humor.
Then get ready for dull moments in the house. Your children will seek fun
elsewhere or keep to themselves much if there is never a lively environment in
the home.
Ø Punctuality:
This is a very vital issue that needs to the trashed. You’ll both be attending
functions and events. What’s your view about “African timing”? There are
situations where the man drove to an occasion that both of them were planning
to attend just because he has been waiting in the car for the wife for over
30minutes.
Ø Dependent
Level: Are you the dependent type. How dependent will you be on your spouse. If
you are the highly dependent type, then that means your partner must not stay
away from home for too long (if at all he/she will need to travel), else there
will be a collapse.
Ø Conflicts:
Occasionally there may be conflicts, talk about how to resolve it. What are the
things you both can handle? Talk about your strengths and Weaknesses. What are
your fears? What can your spouse do to appease you when you are angry. How can
he/she increase the anger.
Ø Handling
friendships: How do you both handle relationship with the opposite sex even
after wedding. Jealous things. Are you the type that your husband must NEVER
hug another lady after wedding? Are you the type that your wife must not wink
at an old friend? Talk about these things.
Ø Multidimensional
relationship: With God, Spouse, Parents, Siblings, Friends, Academic pursuit,
Vision, Goals and ambitions. What’s your threshold for lack of attention from your
spouse for some minutes. Talk about your dedication to each of the above listed
individuals/commitments.
Ø Attitude
about weight and body posture: He/She might not remain a “lepa” for life, she
might double/triple in size very soon. Will you still love her for who she is
even after she has ‘inflated’?
Ø Religious
and Spiritual beliefs: The God you believe in determines how you behave and
relate with people. What are your beliefs. Amount of church involvement. How
many times a week? What’s your opinion on service in the house of God, iron
these things out before saying “I do!”
Ø Hobbies
and interests: Type of music enjoyed, things you do for relaxation. Obviously,
if the husband is the Barclays English Premier League type and the Wife is the
African Magic, Hi-Nolly Yoruba type, then there will be conflict. Choice of
cars, size and style of house.
Ø Income
Distribution: Total amount of income to be spent, saved, given out, etc. Joint
or separate accounts? Money issues can destroy homes, it’s better to discuss
such things before going ahead with the wedding. How much should be allocated
to vacation, church, relatives, etc. Investment risks.
Ø Cleanliness:
Attitude to odour, dirty environments, etc. While some individuals do not see
any wrong in living in a house not swept for three days, others can’t bear the
thought of staying in an unswept environment for a day. If the husband is the
type that wears clothes once and wants them washed whereas the wife is one that
can wear clothes twice or thrice before considering a wash, there may be a
problem.
Ø Sickness:
Ways of handling illness. Are your methods Spiritual, Medical, etc. and in what
order of priority. What are your individual health standards – do you visit
doctors regularly? While some individuals depend totally on God for divine
healing, others can’t do without their monthly check ups and visits to their
doctor. Consider these things before saying “I do!”
Ø Interpersonal
and social skills: How she relates with God the Supreme being, the poor, rich,
mighty, elites, weak, sick, waiter, doorman, security personnel, family,
friends, colleagues at work, etc. Don’t be fooled, human don’t change,
attitudes are only suppressed into oblivion when the Spirit of the Lord takes
over.
Ø Geographical
standards: Where can you live/reside? You two might have views world apart as
it concerns residential areas. While your spouse prefers quiet and reserved
areas, you might not have a flair for silent areas, but for lively areas, where
you don’t get to miss all the happenings. Remote and secluded areas might be
some people’s favorite. House chores, cooking and living standards – furniture
and decorations. Travelling frequently and method of travelling – Water, Air,
Road, Rail, etc.
Ø Occupation:
This is a variant of how much time spent you want to be spending together. Who
can you marry (occupation-wise)? Ofcourse if you are marrying a Medical
Practitioner, Petroleum Engineer, Politician or a Pilot, the time spent
together will obviously vary when compared to getting married to a Lecturer,
Clergy, Government Worker, etc.
Ø Bed
time and Rest time: When to go to bed. When to wake up. To some people, night
prayers will be the last activity for the day, whereas to others, it’s a movie
that puts them to sleep. For such a couple, the lady wants to sleep immediately
after prayers, but the husband still wants to watch the movie, surf the
internet, play games, etc. Time for morning devotions, what time do you wake up
for your devotions?
Above all, trust and faith will
make you both triumph over any of such circumstance. Trust absolutely in God
and all will be well.
